Clapping On the One

Audiences everywhere are clapping on the One.  They'll clap on every beat, regardless of a downbeat feel.  This practice must be stopped.  A hand-clap is a snare drum, and snare drums belong on the Two and Four.

The need for clapping on the One is born out of fear and distrust of Rests; those unplayed spaces between the notes, collectively known as black noise. 


Black noise is just a dream, the silent score of death, as here on Earth, every rest in music is a breath, and can contain the chirps of a cricket, the rustling of audience members in their chairs, or any other color of noise.

Here are the four basic colors of noise. White noise is the shit on your TV. Pink noise is in vogue for neurophonic meditatiors. Brown noise makes any sentient being with an asshole immediately shit upon hearing the slightest decibel.




It's impossible for most people to allow a rest to sound without fulfilling the urge to color that space with noise. A socially acceptable kick drum would help to standardize crowd rhythms in the right direction. May I recommend the Floor Stomp?



Clapping on the Ones is unacceptable. Why do white people do this? Haven't they heard "We Will Rock You" before, or been to a B-ball game where "We Will Rock You" is correctly stomped and clapped out before their white eyes?

Here's a most pitiful display of Clapping on the One. Of course, it's the Eagles.






For Jupiter's sake!
Clapping on the One certainly has its place, like say in a Hoedown. Although in this case, each clap is often accompanied by a floorstomp. Plus, in a hoedown, the feel is down all the way, with empahsis on every beat, so Clapping on the One makes more sense. Check out this song from the movie "Willow".

♫ Nelwyn Village Theme from Willow ♫
See if it don't getcha Clapping on them Ones!!!

NEXT BLOG POST: The Abolishment of Applause!